I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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