census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
