drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
