haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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