i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
