It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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