I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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