I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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