My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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