Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
is this the sara with the beer cane?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
