It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
