she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
