The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
