I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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