Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I party with great urgency now.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
