Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
