I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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