someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
