I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
