y did u give ur computer a hand job?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
