So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
