Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
