eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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