there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize