I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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