i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
