I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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