Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
