I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
