Where is the hickey?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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