You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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