Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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