Already got asked if we're dating
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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