HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
