I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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