i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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