i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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