Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
my liver is dry heaving
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
