once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
