Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
