Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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