I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I skipped work to stalk him.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
