I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
