note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize