i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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