Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
