I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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