They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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