She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
