I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
