My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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