When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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