I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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