Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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