I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
