trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
